


anger is a bitter lock (but you can turn it)

by borrowedtime



Series: reincarnation alternate universe [2]
Category: Merlin (TV), Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: BACK AT IT AGAIN, F/F, Morgana is Gay, Supercorp hug, alternative universe, its gay, or it will actually implode in on itself, so Lena is Gay by proxy, srs tho don't think about this idea too hard, with this strange au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 05:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9642668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borrowedtime/pseuds/borrowedtime
Summary: Morgana struggles with destiny, Kara makes her pancakes. Follow up to: ghosts that we knew (left us black and all blue).





	

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so, apparently I decided this is going to be a series now, who knew. 
> 
> Title is a quote from Anne Carson.

The sun was warm on her back when Morgana woke up. It was a strange feeling - normally she was up far before the sun - so, naturally, she jolted awake with the very panicked sensation that she'd be late for work. It was then, amidst the stiffening of limbs, that Morgana realised she was on a couch. Further, she was on someone else's couch. 

'Gee, where's the fire?' Came an amused voice from above her. 

Morgana rubbed her eyes and sat up, staring in the direction of the voice. Kara Danvers entered her line of vision; making something on the stove from the looks of things. Morgana relaxed, tried to bring back the usual grace and assurance with which she handled herself. 

She waved a hand dismissively. 'Sorry, I thought I was going to be late for work.' 

Kara grinned her usual Kara grin; bright, unassuming, happy. 'Right.'

'I guess I fell asleep.' 

'You did.' Kara flipped something on the stove. 'I'm making pancakes.' 

Morgana stood up, stretched her arms above her head and felt distinctly that she had a kink in her neck from where she slept. 'How long was I out?'

Kara shrugged, fiddling with her glasses for a moment. 'About an hour?' 

Morgana padded towards her, unsure, mind still full of the memories from her dreams. This one was a recollection of the time they had all gone to save Merlin's village from destruction. The time she rushed in, sword arm high and a grin on her face, to save her brother's life. Of course, she didn't know that Arthur was her brother at the time. She didn't know she was a Pendragon at the time either. It was simpler then, and made her heart ache with the realisation that that was probably about as simple as it was ever going to get. 

Kara took in her expression and softened; as much as the already open and welcoming woman could soften. She had gathered a rather impressive stack of pancakes to her right and was just putting the last one onto the pile. So, she turned towards Morgana after turning the burner off. 

'You know,' the alien said. 'It's okay that you fell asleep, I don't mind.'

Morgana smiled, the kind of smile that she felt contorted at her features. She hadn't smiled like that for years. It felt like an expression that Morgana might use before her life became a battle of fate, before she discovered her true heritage, before Merlin tried to poison her. But directed at Kara, it almost felt genuine. 

'Thank you. I'm just - ' Morgana floundered. How do you tell a woman - an alien woman - that your limbs no longer understand compassion because every night you went to sleep you were reminded of the times were you'd suffered simply because of who you were? How do you tell someone that your default is loneliness because you were trapped in a well, in a cage, for two years straight with barely any human contact at all? 

'Not used to it.' Kara finished for her. 'Yeah, I kinda figured? I mean I didn't want to like, assume but I thought you probably wouldn't have gotten many sleepovers as a child.' 

Morgana tried to make her expression look less pensive, but when she caught Kara's eye again - expression full of concern - she wasn't sure she had achieved it. So, she dropped her eyes to the ground; awkward and unsure in Kara's kitchen. It certainly was convenient that Lena had also understood difficulties growing up; an unsure identity, a family famed for cruelty, power in the modern world. It made Morgana's demeanour a lot easier to explain away. 

'Lena.' 

Morgana let her eyes fall back to where she thought Kara was, but the woman had already set the table and waved the High Priestess over. 

She moved, fluid but still haunted by her own memories, over to the table and sat down. She wanted to fiddle with the cutlery, but didn't. It would be impolite, it would be improper to do so, and she was still in the headspace of being more Pendragon than Luthor. So, Morgana sat and waited for Kara to begin. The alien, herself, was watching Morgana with a sort of veiled curiosity. The witch could tell that Kara thought she was acting strangely - it was there in the trained stare, the small but encouraging smile, the way Kara went to speak and move quietly - but she didn't say anything. 

Kara was halfway through something like her fifth pancake when Morgana had given up eating her second. Her stomach was in knots, her mind turning over and over how things could have gone differently. Why didn't her father tell her who she truly was? Was he really so intent on giving Arthur his throne? Did he really think that she was so unworthy of it that he couldn't bare to, at least in the secrecy of the castle, let her know that she had a family that was alive and breathing and present in her life? Did he really think it wouldn't do her any damage to mourn, every year, the father that she thought was hers? Did he think that somehow she would forgive him, for the nights she spend with tear stained pillows, hoping for a family that would share her own blood?

Did he think she simply didn't deserve a family? 

He certainly would now, Morgana thought derisively, if he knew she was magical. 

Morgana jolted back. No. He wasn't here in this life, Morgana wasn't magical in this life. Her name was Lena, and this Lena did have a family; a psychopathic, murderous and cold hearted family but a family nonetheless. She must try and remember that. 

So, she looked up at Kara and smiled at her. Even on her face, it felt cold and frozen and lifeless. It wasn't at all the kind of smile that Morgana wanted to given the other woman, but it was all that came out. And Kara smiled back. Of course she did. This woman was the personification of joy if ever Morgana knew one. 

‘Lena, are you alright?’ 

Morgana shrugged, a gesture too casual for her shoulders, and so they stiffened. ‘Yes, I’m fine.’ 

Kara paused, eating her sixth pancake. ‘I’m glad you came over.’ 

That’s right. Lena had a day off. Lena had a day off after the arrest of her mother and decided to come visit her only friend in National City. That’s what Morgana was doing here. 

‘I’m glad to be here.’ 

‘I’m happy to have you, really.’ 

Morgana wasn’t sure who Kara was trying to convince, the High Priestess or herself. She watched the alien inhale another pancake and stifled the urge to tap her finger on the table, the rhythm would bring her comfort. It was an old habit she’d had when she was living in that hut after Arthur had taken back the throne. It used to fill the silence when the birds in the forest had stopped singing. 

‘I know it must have been difficult.’ Kara continued. ‘To send your mother to jail. I’m sorry you had to be the one to do that.’ 

‘It’s all right. She’s - she’s not who I thought she was.’ Morgana brushed her hair to the side when she realised that, somehow during her nap, her ponytail had come undone.

‘Still,’ Kara shrugged. ‘I don’t think there’s anything more difficult than giving up family.’ 

Morgana watched Kara, suddenly curious. ‘You say that like you’re coming from personal experience.’ 

It was another one of those times when Kara avoided her eye. They were rare and few and far between, but they happened. It was another one of those moments where Kara didn’t realise that Morgana already knew that Kara was an alien. 

This time, when Kara smiled, it was small and sad. ‘I guess family troubles are kind of universal, aren’t they?’ 

Yes, Morgana wanted to say, I remember a family I had in the sixth century that denied my existence. Yes, I remember them thinking I was betraying them by becoming who I truly was. Yes, I remember the closest thing I had to a family attempting to poison me because they thought it was the right thing to do. 

She said none of that though, and instead gave Kara a sympathetic smile. 

Kara took a breath and let the sadness ease out of her like air. ‘So, what do you want to do today?’ 

Morgana was momentarily stunned. Hadn’t they just spent the better part of a morning together? Surely, Kara was sick of her company by now. 

‘I don’t know.’ Morgana responded. Her mind was still working through which parts of her were past and present. 

‘We could watch a movie, if you wanted.’ 

‘Yes.’ The witch landed on, ‘That would be nice. I don’t get much time to do that.’ 

Kara grinned; bright, brilliant, beautiful. ‘I thought so.’ 

She bounded up, taking both their plates across to the kitchen and then set about setting up her television for their impromptu movie. Morgana stood up, worrying her lip between her teeth when she was sure that Kara wasn’t watching. 

God, she was so unused to this. Kindness, unadulterated and selfless kindness. The kind that she would have experienced in Camelot before she began accidentally setting curtains alight. The kind that even Morgause hadn’t given her. Morgause had motivates, Morgause had a purpose. Morgana knew that if she hadn’t of fulfilled those motives - sister or not - then Morgause wouldn’t have thought that Morgana was worth half the amount of trouble that her named caused. 

Modred was kind to her, yes, but Modred had also stabbed her between the shoulder blades and left her die just before she planned on killing Arthur. It seemed that kindness and betrayal went hand in hand for the High Priestess. It was difficult to overcome the thought of the boy she thought of like a son being the one to cause her first demise. The same boy she’d be forced to watch die, by Arthur’s hand, just after she’d witnessed him complete their mission for revenge. Of course, she was overcome by grief and rage then; thinking that they won this war. 

Of course, it turned out that they hadn’t; that Emrys had thwarted her plans for the last time. 

The film washed over Morgana, she couldn’t even tell you the protagonist’s name if she tried. Kara was warm, next to her but still a respectful distance away, and didn’t seem to mind that Morgana was clearly not paying attention. It was only when the credit began to play that Kara decided to break the silence. 

‘I never thanked you.’ 

‘What?’ 

‘I never thanked you, for saving the alien lives out there when you made the virus inert.’ 

Morgana eyed Kara curiously, wondering if this was the time that Kara decided to reveal her status as a refugee. ‘How did you know about that?’ 

‘I saw it on the news.’ Kara supplied. ‘I thought it was really brave, what you did.’ 

‘I didn’t do it to be brave.’ 

I don’t want to be brave, her brain echoed, I just want to be myself. 

‘I know.’ Kara looked at her then. Morgana wondered if she could see past this life and into all of her other ones. Morgana wondered if she could see her for what she truly was. 

Morgana wanted to say more, to comfort Kara, to tell Kara that she hadn’t heard a genuine thank you in years. She wanted to say that she thought Kara was one of the most beautiful creatures she had ever seen. But she couldn’t say any of that, her tongue felt swollen in her mouth. It felt like it was stuck to the roof of her mouth, burnt with the regrets of the past and the conditions she had placed on herself to ensure she would never get hurt again.

Trust us, Arthur and Merlin and Gwen would taunt. Why are you acting this way, they would ask. They didn’t understand. They didn’t even realise what they’d done. They tried to kill her. Tried to kill her kind. They had betrayed every semblance of trust she had bestowed on them. Merlin, especially. When she was at her darkest, he hadn’t thought that telling her that he knew exactly how she felt, how she would never be alone in his presence, would make a lick of difference to their outcome. 

He hadn’t thought that she was worth trusting with the idea that he, too, was magical. So, she stopped trusting any of them, after that. 

Kara fiddled with a pillow on her couch, either content to let them fall into silence or unsure how to comfort the other woman more. Morgana was overcome with the sudden urge to kiss the alien. She looked beautiful like this, sun streaming in from her windows, lighting up her hair like some sort of goddamn ethereal halo. But, regret and loneliness kept her limbs pinned at her sides; kept her from moving any closer. 

She’d flirted with Kara the first time they’d met, and then the second. The looks were easy, the looks were power. It was satisfying to watch every look she gave play out with the exact response that she wanted. 

Of course, Morgana hadn’t expected to fall in love with her. 

It frightened her to think that, even now long after she’d convinced herself to acknowledge the feeling that Kara stirred within her. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Morgana felt the words tumble from her mouth. ‘I’m afraid I’m not much company today.’ 

Kara looked over at Morgana, expression so full of compassion it almost made her feel that she going to cry. ‘I’m just glad you’re here. I wouldn’t want you to be alone, after all of that.’ 

Morgana said nothing and instead watched the credits flicker past the screen in what seemed like an endless scroll. She felt something - someone - touch her hand. She looked up at Kara and watch the other woman search her face. 

‘Lena.’ Kara paused, thinking or gathering courage, Morgana wasn’t sure. ‘Can I hug you?’ 

Everything within the High Priestess gave pause. It had been so long, since she’d be embraced. Not since before Morgause had died had she known that kind of affection. Her other lives nonewithstanding, they were easy to forget and especially difficult to remember when her first life was the only one that she dreamt about. 

‘Yes.’ She would have been embarrassed about the desperation that tinged her voice, if Morgana bothered to care at that point. 

The grin that lit up Kara’s face was almost, almost contagious. She moved over to the other woman and slipped her arms around, like it was easy. Like it was simple to give that kind of comfort to another human being. Maybe for Kara, it was. 

It took a while, but Morgana embraced the other woman as well. They sat like that for a moment, suspended in time, Morgana counting Kara’s breaths and nestling into her shoulder. She had forgotten what this felt like, to be wanted. To be needed, as something other than the queen in a game of chess played by fate. 

Kara broke away first. Morgana felt her loss immediately. 

‘Do you want ice cream?’ Was the first thing out of Kara’s mouth. 

—

That night, Morgana went to sleep in her own bed. She woke up what couldn’t have been more than five minutes later. 

Here she was, back in the errant blackness. Her first instinct was panic. This only seemed to happen when she was about to reincarnate into another life. She wasn’t dead, she hadn’t died. Why was she back here? 

The figure appeared again - Fate, Morgana called her in her head. 

‘To what do I owe the pleasure?’ Morgana snarked, to hide her racing heartbeat and her panic. 

Fate seemed to glow, in anger Morgana wasn’t sure, but she was on edge anyway. 

‘You are ignoring your responsibilities.’ Fate snapped. 

‘Well, can you blame me?’ 

‘This is not a matter to be taken lightly. Your true purpose is to find Emrys and destroy him. You must find Emrys.’ 

‘Remind me again what exactly is the point of that? I’m going to come back regardless, and so is he. Besides, surely you know the prophecy as well as I do. He is my destiny, and my doom. It’s impossible for me to win against him.’ 

‘Still, you must try.’ 

Morgana felt hot, white anger bubble up inside her. ‘Why should I bother?’ 

‘It is your destiny.’ 

‘I didn’t choose this! I didn’t get to decide that I was going to be a High Priestess! I didn’t decide that my friends were going to betray me!’ 

Fate was silent for a moment, but seemed to speak gentler after that. ‘Neither did they.’ 

Morgana snarled, tears springing up of their own accord. ‘But they aren’t fated to be the villain, are they? Their fate is to win.’ 

So many lives and so many losses. No one else could understand that but her.

Fate didn’t speak for a moment and Morgana, thinking of Kara, somehow fell into the position of pleading. 

‘Please, let me have this life. Just this one. I’ll find Emrys in the next one, I promise I will. I’ll try and beat him, like I should.’ 

Fate considered this, but Morgana couldn’t see or read the figure’s expression, so she stood and waited in tense silence. 

‘This one life, Morgana Pendragon, High Priestess of the Triple Goddess, is the only reprieve you will get.’ 

Morgana was too grateful to speak. 

She woke up, a few moments later, to sound of something chirping in her ear. She realised that her phone was ringing. 

Morgana rolled over, it was morning and it was the weekend so she wasn’t in as much as a hurry as she might have been otherwise. She tried to clear the sleep out of her voice when she answered. 

‘Hello?’ 

‘Um, hi, Lena. Wow, I didn’t expect you to answer.’ 

‘Kara.’ Morgana smiled. ‘What is it?’ 

‘I wanted to know if you wanted to come over tonight? I’m having a games night with friends and, you know, I thought it might be fun if you joined. Don’t worry about it if you’re too busy, though! I understand.’ 

Morgana mulled over her options, Fate’s voice still whispering in her head. ‘I’d love to.’

**Author's Note:**

> also on tumblr: morgana-pendragonss


End file.
